This post is all about a very special little boy that is always on my mind. My little angel Michael Patrick passed away when I was 5 months pregnant with him. This coming May it will be 4 years but it still seems like yesterday. I think about him and what he would be like everyday. Would he look like Marcus or more like
Maguire. What would his personality be like? He will always be a part of our family. Marcus knows that he has a little brother that lives in heaven and
Maguire will be told that he also has a special angel looking out for him.
When I found out I was pregnant with Michael it was a shock. Marcus was 18 months old and the situation was not ideal. I was very sick during the pregnancy and was just not excited. I wish I could go back and realize what a gift pregnancy is and be thankful for that. Maybe if I would have been excited things would have turned out different. As I got further along and started feeling better I started planning for the baby, picking out names, wondering if it would be a boy or a girl. I really thought it would be a girl because the pregnancy was so different.
Right around 18 weeks I remember getting up in the night with Marcus and noticing that I was bleeding. I thought it was nothing and I would call the doctor in the morning. In my morning it was much worse so I had my mom take me to the emergency room. I remember her telling me that this was not going to turn out good. The baby still had a heartbeat when they checked at the hospital so they hoped it was just a fluke thing and everything would be okay. The ultrasound tech was gone but they did have a doctor that could take a quick look to see if he could see anything on the ultrasound that would have caused the problem. He didn't see anything so he said we would just have to wait and see. I stayed in the hospital overnight. I remember the nurse checking for the heartbeat at 1:00 am and finding it with no problem. She checked again at 5:00 am and couldn't find it. She said that it was probably just the baby in a bad position. The next morning they checked again and couldn't find it but said the
Doppler they had just wasn't working right. I should have known then that something was wrong. Why didn't I demand that they do another ultrasound. I was sent home on
bed rest and was to come in on the next Tuesday for ultrasound. That Tuesday morning I didn't have a good feeling about things but I was still hopeful. As the ultrasound tech was looking around I didn't see the heartbeat. She said she had to go check on something and would be back. My mom was with me and I said I didn't see the heartbeat, she didn't see it either. When the ultrasound tech came back she had my doctor with her. I knew then that the news was not good. He said that the baby had passed away and it looked like it probably happened a few days ago. I was in shock. The doctor asked me what I wanted to do...wait for labor to start or have it induced. He recommended waiting.
The next week and a half we pure hell. Waiting around for labor to start to deliver a baby that was no longer living. I kept thinking what had I done to deserve this. Why was God punishing me. Labor did not start on it's own so I had to check into the hospital to be induced. I remember it was May 3, 2006. I checked in and was given a medicine to take. At 11:15 pm the baby was delivered. I remember Golden Girls being on the
TV and to this day I can not watch that show. The doctor left the room and came back in to say that it would have been a
Little boy. I thought for sure it was a girl and hearing that it was a boy made it that much harder for some reason. I remember thinking about Marcus and how he would have had a little brother.
After the delivery I lost a lot of blood. By the next morning I couldn't even get up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I had to have a D & C to make sure everything was out. I remember Dr. Cooper (he turned out to be the doctor that took care of me during
Maguire's pregnancy) coming into my hospital room and telling me that I needed to take the time to grieve just like any other death. That was very nice of him. Everyone else seemed to treat it like a miscarriage, a few people said that it just wasn't meant to be.
Michael Patrick was buried between my grandparents in a small coffin that my dad made for him. He was wrapped in a yellow blanket with ducks on it. It was one of the few things that I had bought already. His headstone has a
tonka truck on it because I bet he would have loved playing trucks with Marcus.
Alot of people around me would say it wasn't meant to be or that something was wrong with him and that is why he didn't make it. I wanted to scream at them that he was alive, he was my baby and I loved him. No matter how long I got to have him he was my child. My baby that I never got to know. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. At Christmas he has a stocking that hangs on the wall and he gets a new ornament for the tree every year. He will always be a part of us. I know that he is up in heaven watching over his brothers. They are lucky that they have their own personal guardian angel.
An Angel Never Dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
I love this poem. I know someday I will get to be with Michael and I hope he knows how much I love him.
